Amusing Military turns of Phrase and Aphorisms

I was talking at work with some other soldiers this morning and it hit me how many funny black humour type jokes and sayings there are in the military.   I thought I would share some of them.   I would caution you that many are at least minimally obscene.

1. “darker than 3 feet up a well-diggers ass at midnight” – I don’t know why that is darker than anywhere else but it is.

2. “every swinging dick” – euphemism for everybody as in:  “I want every swinging dick in the motorpool at 0900 for command maintenance, I am not getting my ass-chewed again because everyone is not there.”

3. “A ‘Q’ is a ‘Q'” – Usually said to a crew that barely qualified during vehicle gunnery in an effort to make them feel better.   It means that Qualified is still qualified although they have absolutely no bragging rights and will be the butt of jokes about shooting and barn walls until the next Gunnery cycle when they get the chance to redeem themselves.

4.   The classic “nuke ’em till they glow and shoot ’em in the dark”

5.  “build a man a fire and keep him warm for the night; set a man on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life”

6. “Want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first” – Friendly way of telling someone they are not getting whatever it is they want.

7. “Walking Cluster-fuck” – Somebody who probably has to look at a manual to tie their boots and still cant get it right.

8. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” – Not necessarily military but common when talking about people who are a leadership challenge.

There are  plenty more but that is what I came up with off the top of my head.